Last Updated: August 04, 2005 05:06:07 AM
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch
the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and play doctor?"
"No", the little boy replied. "That's too old fashioned......Spit out
your gum. I want to play President."
A six year old walks into the kitchen where his mom is
meal...."Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise
coming out of you and Daddy's room,and when I looked to see
what it was, it was you sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down.Why
were you doing that?"
The startled mother quickly recovers and says, "Your Dad is a little
overweight, and I was trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him
to get all the air out of him." The little kid just shakes his head and says
"Mom, you're wasting your time." The mother says "Why is that dear?"
The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice looking lady next door
comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. You need to use "big people words", she'd always remind
them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people
words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people
words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he
replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride
and said, "Winnie The Shit."
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are
one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by
saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40
and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is
on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front
door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman
drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade
class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of
Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is
it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . .
lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue.
It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me"
A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She asked each student to close their eyes and then she passed out items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what
it is?" Jimmy replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Noooooo." The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it is something you daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.....IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!"
Math Class Little Johnny returns from school and says he got
an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked
'How much is 2x3' I said "6" "But that's right!" "Then
she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "What's the fucking difference?" asks
the father. "That's what I said!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does
anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a
lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act.* Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey Ride!" Daddy, can I ride on your back? Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"
One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word
the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."
"very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little
Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out
beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,.....just
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Sister Mary Francis wanted to teach her 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so she produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the nun putting one worm first into the water and the other worm into the glass of whisky.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. But the second worm, the one put into the whiskey, writhed painfully. The poor creature quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
Sister Mary Francis then asked: "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"
Johnny, remembering what his dearly departed father had told him, waved his arm excitedly.
"Yes, Johnny?" said Sister Mary Francis.
The boy wisely responded: "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook
it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some
flowers." "That's right" the boy replied, "but how did you
know?" "Oh, just a wild
guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what this is, a box of candy.""That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl."Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said.The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight. The teacher repeated theprocess, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the clearly delighted boy answered. Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said,"I give up, What is it?" The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids,
"Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them" She
explained what a moral to a story was and asked for any volunteers. Little Suzie raises
her hand. Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were
excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched" Teacher: "That's a
good story, now what is the moral? Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are
hatched" Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else? Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I
was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my
bike and all the eggs broke" Teacher: "Thats a nice story, what is the
moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: "
Very good Ralphie, anyone else?" Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is
in the army and when
she was in the gulf war, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story? Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,she's the administrator of the money,
so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby
brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes
sense."So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of
a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say
anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of
an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in
and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of
the space. She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy
children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it
getting bigger each day?" Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more
you rub it, thebigger it gets."
A Husband and wife were expecting their first child and could not agree on what to name the baby. After a very strong disagreement they agreed to name the baby the next thing that they saw. It was a coke truck, so when the baby was born they named him Coke. On Coke's first day of school the teacher asked him his name, to which Coke replied: I will give you three hints...You have had it in your mouth...You have had it in you hand, and you have had it in your stomach...To which the teacher replied, "sit down Dick"
...It was shortly after midnight when the seven year old boy was deposited gently into the front seat of the patrol car. The officer made sure the seatbelt was fastened and drove the child to his substation. When he got there he picked up the little boy and sat him on the desk sergeant's desk. "I think he's lost," the officer said. "I found him at the corner of 10th and Grand. I've got to get back out on patrol", he said and left. The desk sergeant started to interview the child.
"What's your name?" "Johnny Smith" "Where do you live?" "2577 Fairview" "Are you lost?" "No." "What are you doing out on the street this late?" "I'm running away" "Why?" " I heard mommy and daddy talking in the bedroom." "And....?" "Well...daddy said he's pulling out now, and mommy said...wait for me, I'm coming too. And I'll be damned if I gonna hang around and get stuck with a hundredthousand dollar mortgage."
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sonsof bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the laststop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses onthe train now, because we're leaving". The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long asyou use proper language."Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said yes. The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "yes." The salesman said,"well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too.." The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "no." The salesman asked why. "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue."
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone....And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard.......
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The
mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older. The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I k now how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother." Use the grown up word. The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train." That's the grown up word. Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
there were three babies in a womans stomachs, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up the first one said "i wanna be a plumber." the others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" he replied, "so i can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky." the second one said "i wanna be an electrician." the others laughed at this, and asked "why an electrician?" he replied, "so i can get some lights in here, its dark!" the third one said "i wanna be a boxer." the others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in Gods name
do you want to be a boxer?" he replied, "so i can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no.Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out
of the house with a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me."
A Change of Plans ...
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father."DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied. "You mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
The Voice of Experience...
As George is walking past his son's bedroom late one night, he hears the unmistable sound of his offspring playing with himself. George quickly opens the bedroom door and says, in his stern holier-than-thou voice: "Son! If you keep on doing that and you're going to go blind!" The youth replied: "Hey, Dad... I'm over here."
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah.... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"